Saturday, September 21, 2013

Change

I am one of those people where I need change to happen every once in a while.  I remember nights where I had to sleep on the opposite side of the bed or on the couch just because my body wanted something different before it would let itself doze off.  I've always been excited about change, the prospect of new opportunities, growth, and exciting things.  I would move anywhere in a heartbeat.  I guess I'm getting to the point where I want change in life.  A change in pace.  I've feel like I have been stuck on the same road now for quite a while.

It's been 8 years since I graduated High School and moved to Minneapolis, but I'm getting bored.  I would love to say, "Hey! I'm moving to a far off distant land!" But I'm not.  God has me here.  Maybe I can experience change in other area's instead to satisfy my quench for something new.

One of the area's that been bothering me lately is that of the "Ms." that's in front of my name.  I know as a 26 year old, people are still saying, "You've got plenty of time to get married!" I know, I really do know.  Yet, less and less people are saying that now, it's at the point where people are wondering if I'll ever get married, or what's wrong with her?  The only thing I've ever wanted to be was to be a wife, and a mother.  I never wanted to be anything else.  Yet, here I am waiting.  I could care less about a career, or a successful job.  The only job title I want, is "Full-Time Mommy".  I want to serve and love my husband (whomever he is), and to raise a child.  So, why am I still single if this is the desire God has placed in my life?

People tell me I should go to college, do something with my life.  I never really quite realized how weighing these words can be until now.  It's like someone on the outside is telling me my life isn't good enough.  I've always wanted to go to college, but not necessarily to learn and grow in a successful career, it was for the experience.  To be honest, I'm afraid of college.  I've been out of school for 8 years, I never was good in school.   I had to work hard to get the grades I had.   I also get a lot of comments like, "You don't want to stay where your at for the rest of your life, do you?" What's wrong with my job? When I first got that job, people were congratulating me right and left saying it was the perfect job for me, now it too doesn't seem good enough.

To be honest, I'm struggling.  I'm struggling to find a purpose for my life.  What am I supposed to be doing, and why is it taking me so long to get there?  One of the beauties of my age group is change.  People get married, have kids, move to distant lands, and start a life.  So many of my close friends are leaving, have left, and probably is only a matter of time before more of them leave.  They are moving on with their lives, and I'm getting left behind.

I realize this post may leave me vulnerable.  I've debated about deleting it and writing it on my own personal journal instead, but I feel as though I need to say it.  I'm going through a season in my life, and it's not a fun one.  Maybe I'm focusing too much on what I want.  I can read this post again and probably count numerous times the instances where I say, "I want".  I am human after all.  In the meantime, I guess I'll continue to pray, live my life, and do what I'm doing.  I just hope I'm not wasting it.