Saturday, September 21, 2013

Change

I am one of those people where I need change to happen every once in a while.  I remember nights where I had to sleep on the opposite side of the bed or on the couch just because my body wanted something different before it would let itself doze off.  I've always been excited about change, the prospect of new opportunities, growth, and exciting things.  I would move anywhere in a heartbeat.  I guess I'm getting to the point where I want change in life.  A change in pace.  I've feel like I have been stuck on the same road now for quite a while.

It's been 8 years since I graduated High School and moved to Minneapolis, but I'm getting bored.  I would love to say, "Hey! I'm moving to a far off distant land!" But I'm not.  God has me here.  Maybe I can experience change in other area's instead to satisfy my quench for something new.

One of the area's that been bothering me lately is that of the "Ms." that's in front of my name.  I know as a 26 year old, people are still saying, "You've got plenty of time to get married!" I know, I really do know.  Yet, less and less people are saying that now, it's at the point where people are wondering if I'll ever get married, or what's wrong with her?  The only thing I've ever wanted to be was to be a wife, and a mother.  I never wanted to be anything else.  Yet, here I am waiting.  I could care less about a career, or a successful job.  The only job title I want, is "Full-Time Mommy".  I want to serve and love my husband (whomever he is), and to raise a child.  So, why am I still single if this is the desire God has placed in my life?

People tell me I should go to college, do something with my life.  I never really quite realized how weighing these words can be until now.  It's like someone on the outside is telling me my life isn't good enough.  I've always wanted to go to college, but not necessarily to learn and grow in a successful career, it was for the experience.  To be honest, I'm afraid of college.  I've been out of school for 8 years, I never was good in school.   I had to work hard to get the grades I had.   I also get a lot of comments like, "You don't want to stay where your at for the rest of your life, do you?" What's wrong with my job? When I first got that job, people were congratulating me right and left saying it was the perfect job for me, now it too doesn't seem good enough.

To be honest, I'm struggling.  I'm struggling to find a purpose for my life.  What am I supposed to be doing, and why is it taking me so long to get there?  One of the beauties of my age group is change.  People get married, have kids, move to distant lands, and start a life.  So many of my close friends are leaving, have left, and probably is only a matter of time before more of them leave.  They are moving on with their lives, and I'm getting left behind.

I realize this post may leave me vulnerable.  I've debated about deleting it and writing it on my own personal journal instead, but I feel as though I need to say it.  I'm going through a season in my life, and it's not a fun one.  Maybe I'm focusing too much on what I want.  I can read this post again and probably count numerous times the instances where I say, "I want".  I am human after all.  In the meantime, I guess I'll continue to pray, live my life, and do what I'm doing.  I just hope I'm not wasting it.


Sunday, June 2, 2013

I Am Blessed

Today has been a great day.  As I turn 26, I've been thinking a lot about my life and the years I have had.  I have seen so much in my short time I've lived.  So many proud moments, and some not so proud moments.  I've seen changes in the lives of those around me, and met friends that have made me feel so loved and welcomed.  I have a great and talented family who has always been there for me.  I've seen so many changes just in my family, it has been so fun to see how they've progressed into the individuals they are today.  I'm proud of them.

People have been asking me, "What's it like to be 26? Feel old yet?" Truth be told, No! I don't feel old! I feel older, for sure.  Especially seeing the kids I've spent my high school years babysitting all grown up and in high school themselves.  How strange to see someone whose diapers I used to change into someone who is now a tall, smart, grown up, teenager with phones and friends, thinking about the college they want to go to.

I've been blessed in my life.  There have been tears of joy and pain, enough laughter to make the energy plant in the movie, Monster's Inc, explode.  There have been days filled with sadness, depression, hope, happiness, and love.  I've gotten to travel to places most people dream of.  I've had the fresh taste of real spring mountain water from the Swiss Alps.  I've stood underneath the Eiffel Tower and peered above at this massive and glorious structure that stands so tall.  I've seen the Mona Lisa, crooked smile and all.  I've got to sing for weddings, funerals, concerts, and competitions.  I've played the flute until my mouth was about to fall off.  I've sang in the rain, and jumped in puddles.  I pulled all-nighters to only conk out in sheer exhaustion around 5:00AM.  I've gained friends and lost friends.  I've smiled so much, I think my face froze that way.

I am blessed.

My life has been a fulfilling life and I owe it all to my Savior.  I honestly don't know where I would be today if God hadn't helped me through.  How can "Thanks" ever be enough? What can I do to ever repay the kindness my Lord has shown me.  How comforting to know that He smiles with me, laughs with me, cries with me.  He was there my whole life, and walked with me through the streets of Paris, through the halls of The Louvre, through all nighters, the friendships, the trials, the pain, the joy.  I only wish everyone could know how awesome He is, how real He is.

I am 26 years old.  My life has been amazing, and it's only just begun.  Thank you Lord for every day I am given to serve You.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

The Deep End

I will be honest with you, one of the main reasons I have not written new blog posts is because I have felt ashamed.  Ashamed with what I was dealing with, ashamed of what people might think, ashamed that I still deal with the very thing most of this blog consists of, my struggle with eating.   There have been so many times where I have come to this blog and started writing something but I get second thoughts, and often delete it for thinking it's too personal.  I did the very same thing today. I started looking at the statistics of my blog, which led me to the comment sections.  I started to read through some of the comments that people have posted on my blog, encouraging comments, some I couldn't believe I hadn't responded to yet.  (Sorry!) It was there that I started too read some of my old posts.  I was encouraged by you and your support through my challenges.  My blog description does after all say, "Personal Experiences, The Good and the Bad."  It made me realize that I started this blog so others could see that there are people who struggle with what I struggle with, so that I might show some insight into the lives of the morbidly obese and help those who may be obese too, to try and help people and inspire them.   I realized I have always been completely honest with my readers, and I don't want to stop that now.  So here I am, writing a post to you and breaking my long streak of "Writers Block".

These past few months have been a whirlwind of things for me.  Plenty of good, and plenty of bad.  My dearest friend returned home from Ghana with her fiance.   I am the maid of honor and get the pleasure of supporting their unity in marriage in just a couple of weeks.  I have spent time with family, friends, and colleagues.  Working my job, living life, and finding even more about who I am and how great God is.  I continued to struggle with my eating disorder through spurts of lost control and stability.  My yearning for freedom has been so strong these past few months that I grew tired of the subject of eating.  I was tired of dealing with it, tired of talking about it, and tired that I still can't overcome it.  I didn't want to fall prey to this weakness anymore.  I wanted so bad to be done with it, I still do.  I felt that people would grow tired of me talking about it too.  I wanted so badly to be that statistic of someone who has overcome, an actual transformed testimony and not someone who was still in the process.

God has been speaking to me lately, even after a couple months of ignoring him due to my frustrations and ashamed feelings.  Through some classes at church, and the help of my 2 dear friends who have given their Tuesdays up to pray with me and counsel me, I feel like I no longer need to be ashamed.  I have learned a lot.  First is that God is bringing out new gifts in me, ones I never thought I had.  Leadership for example.  As one who in the past was severely obsessed with what others thought of me, leadership wasn't exactly my stronghold.  Second is that God has me exactly where He wants me.  I have not delayed God's plans for me because of my eating disorder, God knew I would struggle with this and He has planned a perfect way in His perfect timing to get me out of it.  What that looks like I don't know.  What I do know is this, which leads me to my third and final thought, I need to get deeper.

A verse came to my mind a few months ago and has really stuck with me.

36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”  
Matthew 22:36-40 (NIV)

Love the Lord your God, with all your heart, soul, and mind.  What does that look like? I can tell your for one, it doesn't just mean a blessing at dinner time, and a prayer before you go to bed. It means to be completely devoted to God, with all your heart, soul, and mind.  God showed me that I need to grow deeper with God, if I can do that, my eating disorder will no longer be a problem.  There have been so many little things that have come up to prove that point.  I know it's from God.  I need to grow deeper with God.  I need to have a firm foundation with Him.  I need to spend time with Him, talk to Him, pray to Him, laugh with Him, cry with Him, pray for others, and learn more about Him.  God desires this so much, if we could really see how much He wants to be with us, our lives would be transformed.  If we can grow deeper with God, our selfish wants and desires for things that are not good for us will be transformed into wanting God more than the other things. 

I went to the doctor on Friday because I promised my family I would.  I went there with expectations of getting a physical because I hadn't had one in a long time.  I also had expectations that I would ask her questions about my obesity and learn more about what my obesity is doing to my body.  I had so many questions and had them all printed up and ready for asking.  As I was driving there I was getting increasingly excited and nervous.  I felt like maybe this could be the slap in the face I needed to change my ways.  When I got there, I was taken back to the doctor with in minutes of me sitting down.  It was there I learned that they somehow messed up on my appointment and they didn't have me down as wanting to get a physical.  I was really bummed at that, I really wanted to know how my body was doing.  The nurse asked a few more questions and it wasn't long before the doctor came in.  The second she came in she said, "Insurance doesn't cover asking questions, you will have to pay for this visit out of pocket."  My hopes were shattered at the moment and I burst out into tears, a rarity in itself.  I couldn't handle it anymore.  I just wanted to ask my doctor a few questions, and hopefully receive the face slapping information that would spark some initiative to change my life.  I was angry, frustrated, devastated, and sad.  My doctors visit was a waste of time, and money.  I left there crying even harder.  I wanted to talk to someone, anyone about what just happened.  When no one was available by phone, I decided to drive to my sisters house.  As I was driving, God met me there.  He said, "The doctors can't help you, only I can.  Talk to me, grow deeper with me and I will help you" I was overwhelmed.  It was there, through the tears, I knew that I have do what God is telling me to do.  No more procrastinating.  I need to get deeper with God. 

So there you have it.  A short summary of what has been going on in my life these past few months.  I can officially say I have ended my writer's block!   Thanks for the encouraging comments, they truly have been a blessing to me.  May God bless each and every one of you! 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Anyone there?

It's been interesting to say the least, looking back at my blog and seeing that I haven't posted one single post since November.  Many of you are wondering if I am alive.  I am.  No worries.  You may have even wondered if I grew tired of posting blogs, I haven't.  I still enjoy it very much.  There have been many moments where I have come to the site with intention of posting something but when I was sitting here looking at my blank page, nothing would come to mind.  I guess you could say I have had a huge case of "Writer's Block" Never-the-less I am writing this post to tell you all, "I AM ALIVE!"

I plan on writing again soon, hopefully this writer's block will end! Stay tuned! (but don't hold your breath either, I don't want you all fainting on me!)   ;)

Thank you my faithful readers!