Friday, August 19, 2011

"I miss you!"

Simple words everyone longs to hear, "I miss you!" They come from dear friends you haven't seen in a while, from family members on the other side of the world to simple acquaintences from high school and beyond.  Yet, lately I find I am hearing those words from a completely different source...

  "I miss you Kelley, so very much.  Spend more time with me!" - God.

Somehow those words mean even more coming from someone like God.  You know He means it.  Those 3 simple words combined make your crazy world halt for just a moment, reflect, and realize just how flattered and happy you are becuase God took the time out from saving the world and everyone in it to personally tell you, to make you feel special, loved, and appreciated. 

I find I am completely smittened with Him.  God's been showing me moments when we used to spend more time together.  I can almost see home video's flashing through my mind.  The way things used to be and just how completely enthralled I was during those times.  I miss Him too!

I'm sold. Those times I give to the Lord, and solely to Him, are so precious to me. It's during those moments when the world doesn't seem so hard anymore, where faith is restored, where hope is refilled, and everything seems right again, everything seems possible.  I have another date planned tonight before I go to bed, I'm counting down the hours.  It's a beautiful thing having someone love you. 

Friday, August 12, 2011

Faith & Trust

Yesterday didn't go well for me.  With my best friend leaving for Ghana, and the newest news, I will be losing my job on October 3rd.  I'm afraid, any smiles I put forth yesterday weren't genuine.  While the news of losing my job was somewhat expected, I still was in complete shock.  I respect my company, they were extremely gracious to me to allow a month and a half notice so that I could find another job.  Being a temp, you normally don't see that type of kindness.  I will miss it dearly at American Family Insurance, it has been by far my favorite job I've had.  The people are great, the management is great, the work is great, everything you could ask for. 

It's so easy to look at the negatives in this situation but all I can see right now are the positives.  I have made so many great connections through this company, and gained experience to grant me interviews for other positions.  I have people who are looking for jobs for me, some even at my company so that I can stay.  It would be simply amazing if I could get hired at American Family full-time. 

I look back on how I got this job, and it was nothing short of a miracle.  God placed it in my hands all because I chose to trust him when I was let go from my previous company.  I had saved just enough money that happened to run out the day I started my job at AmFam, all because God had urged me to start a budget.  The fact that my recruiter called me because he found my resume online shows that I had nothing to do with it.  This job was meant to be.  I had fun. 

Now, it's time to trust him again.  Already I see his hand in the situation slowly guiding me to where I need to go, so my only objective is to have faith in God, and trust that He will provide me another job, preferably permanent! God cares about me, and I know that all He wants is for me to be happy.  I know beyond a doubt that by October 3rd, I will have a new job waiting for me.  I wonder what it will be? They say curiosity killed the cat, but quite frankly, my cat's already dead. :)

Let's do this!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Meaningless Insecurities

Being overweight, or as the medical industry would call it, Morbidly Obese, has taught me many things in life.  Food has been my comforting cushion to fall back on in times of trouble.  It's now that I finally realize how extremely hard it is going to be to tear my self away from this emotional bondage.  As one who has been morbidly obese all my life, it has protected me from many things.  The main thing it has protected me from is heartbreaking relationships with men.  Because most of the men in my life couldn't get past the overweight factor, it's now I realize that they wouldn't have been a good person to date anyways.  If they couldn't like me for who I am and not how much I weigh, than it's probably for the best that my heart was broken in the beginning. 

To be brutally honest, although it has protected me from some of those things, it has also held me back and prohibited a lot of good things in my life.  Due to the fact that I have been heartbroken by men who couldn't see my past my weight, my insecurities are high.  It's here where the feelings of never being good enough, never being pretty enough, never being skinny enough, where emotional games and tricks play out.  Thoughts of if I had were just 60 pounds lighter, he would have dated me consistently envelope my mind. 

It's sad to say, but insecurities are a major part of my life.  There is not a minute that goes by where I don't think about how my stomach protrudes, or my pants are too tight, or how I feel my whole body jiggle as I walk.  Sometimes I feel as though this were an outer jacket I could just unzip and my true skinny self would be revealed.  The fact is, it isn't.  This is not something that can just magically disappear, no matter how hard I wish, beg, or pray, I wake up in the morning who I am.  The mirror still tells me and reminds me that I'm fat.  Sometimes even just walking down the street, I can feel the weight of people's judgements fall upon me.  
"Forgive and forget," One might say.  "Who cares what people think, Kelley," Another might say.  You are absolutely right.  Forgive and forget, who cares what people think, but in reality, I do.  I'd like to say, I'm perfect and the thoughts of those judging me don't affect me, but they in every way do.  The other day as I was hauling things from my car to the house, a group of teenage boys drove by and yelled, "You have a huge A**!"  One day, parking at the MOA (Mall of America) an adult male yelled out from his car, "Fatty!"  I can think of a few more, "Fatso, Blimp, Kelley Belly, Cow, Pig, Tub-a-lard" not to mention endless more.  I'd like to think those don't hurt me, but they do.  Forgive and Forget, Who cares what people think.   I'll try my hardest, I'll give it my best.