Monday, June 27, 2011

Control? Or Not Control? That Is The Question

Thoughts weigh around me, thoughts of life, and how things work.  Thoughts of quick fixes and magic wands to make things disappear.  Yet, as I think about these things, I think about my road and journey life has taken me on.  When my healing journey started about 3 years ago as I left for Mercy Ministries in Louisiana, I remember walking into those doors and having so much faith for what was ahead.  I went to Mercy Ministries with the intention to get healing, to be restored from my eating disorder, to be skinny in a sense.   I had this dream that I when I would walk out of those doors on Graduation day, I would be a whole new skinny person.  One who would be free.  But my Lord had different plans.  

When I graduated Mercy Ministries, I was on FIRE for God.  What He did there was nothing short of a miracle.  It was the healthiest I had ever been physically, emotionally and spiritually.  The two years after Mercy Ministries leading to today have had their up's and down's with my eating disorder.  I held on for a good year after Mercy Ministries.  I tried so hard to keep what I learned in effect.  I was miraculously able to manage my weight and not fluctuate by gaining and losing.  Yet when I think about how my life has gone out of control once again just in these past two months, I do acknowledge that my eating disorder is still not letting go and is in fact, part of the reason why I am struggling.  

Looking back, I have done everything humanly possible to get healing for this.  I have prayed, I have cried, I have read my bible, I have dropped everything to enter into a Christian treatment program, I got an accountability partner, I went into counseling, I have stayed involved by going to church and life groups, I've forgiven people, broken spiritual vows made as a child, I've relived my horrible childhood memories that haunt me so that they can be worked on, I have leaned on God as he guides me through this.  Yet as I sit here today, I still struggle with my eating disorder.  Did I miss something? Did I not pray hard enough? Did I not listen and act upon something God has requested me to do? Did I not read my bible enough, Did I this, Did I that? 

There is only one possible conclusion for these questions.  I am missing something big, something major, the one thing that can and will turn my life around.  CONTROL.  All this time, I've been working hard because that is what I've learned how you fix problems.  When it comes down to it, God needs control of my life, I need to give up control.  I've basically been telling Him that He can work around my schedule for healing.  Albeit none of this was intentional, and if you had asked me if I was doing all of this with the right motive when this was all happening I would have innocently said yes, because I really did think I was.  Yet, no matter how hard I work, no matter how hard I pray or read my bible every day, God is the only one who can bring my healing, no matter how many treatment programs, or counseling sessions I attend, God is the ONLY one who can bring my healing.  And you know what? I give up.  I am burnt out from fighting this.  Everything with in me is fried, it's time I learn to lean upon the solid rock, my foundation, the One who can give me energy when I have none, the One who holds the key to my freedom.  

Here I am Lord, I am yours.  

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Life - And all that Implies

I can't believe how long it's been since I have posted in here! I do apologize for that.  I wanted to give you an update on how life is going for me.  Especially since I posted a couple times ago about how I was going through a huge battle.  Yes, I am still in a huge battle but definitely on the outskirts of it.  Life has gotten so much better.  I think back on how painful that time was for me and force my self to remember how I felt so that I can still learn for the road ahead of me.  I never want to go down that path of life again but I know somehow that God was in control through it all and He is continuing to do so. 

During that time, the pain was so tumultuous, that waking up everyday was a chore.  Smiling for customers walking through the reception desk at work was an ongoing effort.  Everything within me wanted nothing to do with smiling or being happy.  Thankfully, I've learned the art of acting and hiding my emotions so I didn't scare anyone walking by me! :) I may have scared a couple of my close friends in whom I confided in but they still love me anyways! During this time, I can honestly say I would have never made it if it wasn't for God.  Somehow He was always in front of me holding my hand in the process, giving me hope.  Though there were days I doubted, yet it was in those moments that God shined through the most. 

My friends were another much appreciated tool towards my healing.  I knew that what I was going through was no private matter.  I needed to tell someone, I couldn't do this on my own.  The pain within me was so excruciating, that I felt I would emotionally and physically burst if I didn't let someone know.  It was in these moments I saw who my true friends were.  When I told them how I was feeling and what was going on around me, and even how I had made mistakes; they didn't laugh, run away, or leave me hanging dry.  Instead they did what I needed the most, they comforted me and prayed for me.  They even checked up on me to make sure I was being held accountable and that I was doing okay.  My gratefulness is never ceasing towards them and how they so humbly responded towards me. 

I realize you all are probably wondering what in the world happened to make you go through such a depressing time? I honestly would love to tell you but it is not wise.  A lot of what happened were personal battles mixed with some life shaking experiences, and a huge spiritual warfare.  But I can tell you that the saying, "When it rains, it pours" is definitely true.  In these past two months, everything seemed to crash at once.  I felt like Job in the bible when everything was stripped away from him in a moment.  Although I had no where near the experiences and troubles he had, I could still certainly relate. 

But my praise is never ceasing toward my Father in Heaven.  He got me out of this.  He really did.  I finally feel like I have a grip on life again, where as before, I felt like I was getting dragged behind a speed boat going 100 mph and hitting rocks along the way.  What a miraculous thing when God saves a person, in more ways then one.  I still don't know to this day how He did get me out but somehow, it just happened.  I just pray and hope that my lessons learned stick with me and I act up on them. 

What an awesome God we serve!!