Sunday, May 30, 2010

How can Thanks ever be enough?

When I look back at how far God's brought me, and who I was not only even a year and half ago, thankfulness begins to well up inside of me.  I am a living testimony.  My life used to never be anything, it was without purpose, without life, and love. To see how far God has brought me today is just so unfathomable.  

These past few months, I can honestly say I feel completely blind.  Blind to those around me, blind to my future, blind to what happens even with in the next few moments.  Everything is dark around me and the only thing I can count on is the hand of my Jesus guiding me through.  Having faith that He'll guide me in the right direction and I won't stub my toe along the way, or He won't lead me down the wrong path.  I'm learning everyday.  Learning to follow, to listen, to be obedient, to love, to be thankful, patient, and just to have faith. 

I'm being stripped of everything I've held dear, that I've put my faith in.  My hands are bare with nothing to hold that's of value.  I've been stripped of my title of who I thought I was.  Someone I was never meant to be.  In the process I've been shown who I really am.  Someone that is really loved, wanted, and adored.  I'm finding a God in a deeper aspect than I have ever known before.  Some days are harder then the next, some days I just want to go back to what I know is comfortable.  To go back to a chair where my mark has been permanently etched from years of staying in the same place.  But I can't.  I don't want it anymore.  The amazing adrenaline of walking into the unknown is such a mysterious adventure.  Being lead through the dark by Jesus brings me more curiosity that makes my comfortable past seem like a gray canvas compared to the bright and colorful things I find now.  My relationship with my Heavenly Father is so hard to put into words.  I'm impressed at all that I've missed out on these past 22 years.  I find I just want to be with Him.  I'm beginning to trust, I'm beginning to love. 

From being a depressed morbidly obese teenager who binged herself to sleep at night to becoming a woman who's experienced true freedom, a true and unconditional love.  A man who comforts me when I cry, strokes the my tear-stained hair behind my ear, who laughs when I laugh, whose heart breaks when mine breaks.  A man whose thoughts about me measure more than the grains of sand on the earth.  A man who loves me despite my human sins and desires, who doesn't define me by my talents or faults, but as someone precious, His daughter.  A daughter of The King.  How can my thanks ever be enough? How can words ever express how thankful I am?  How can I ever repay the kindness He bestows upon me day in and day out? But I never can and never will be able to.  But He knows and that's all that matters. 

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Truth

Don't define me by what I look like and do. 

    I'm not on display for you!




                    I am not a singer

         Or a food binger

  I am not for you to analyze
    
       Or some one for you to criticize

             I am not an artist

Or the lack of being the smartest




        In case you didn't understand

           I can tell you what I am




                 I  AM a child of The Lord

     I AM significantly adored

           I AM chosen by the King

I AM valued not by how I sing




           In case this is new to you          

              I AM Kelley Welu


P.S It's very nice to meet you!



Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I Know He'll Provide

It's been a strange day today.  With news that my brother-in-law Cory lost his job, I'm at mixed emotions.  My sister lost her job just a month or so ago as well...from the same company.  So now they are both jobless with a son and a little one on the way.  I'm so sad for them but yet I have this overwhelming persistent feeling that God will make a way for them.  Some how shape or form, God will supply their every need.  I just know it.  Although this didn't happen to me, I feel for them and was a little upset with the news but still, God let me know, It will be alright.  He gave me a free pop. :) haha! You are probably thinking, "What?! A free pop? What's so cool about that?" I don't really know.  But it made my day and that's all I needed. :D

Monday, May 17, 2010

On the 11th Day

Today marks the 11th day that my persistent headache has chosen to torment me.  By this time I'm almost getting used to it.  I went to the doctor a few days ago but as I expected, they didn't really have much to say.  She did say there is a possibility that a headache can precede a viral infection, so I am told to look out for any cold symptoms.  Right now I am just tired/sleepy and wishing the pain in my head would go away.  I was talking with my mother on the phone the other day, I got abnormal sharp pain that stabbed the side of my head every once in a while.  I'm hoping this is not something bigger than just a headache.  I'm going to the store today to  find some new pain medication. A friend suggested tension headache medicine so I might try that.  In the mean time, I really appreciate your prayers.  All's I know, God is good, All the time.

Monday, May 10, 2010

God Ordained Rest

I'm thinking lately that God must want me to just rest. As I am looking at my ever decreasing calendar and noticing how all my weekly activities are now starting to wind down and eventually stop.  I see that by June 18th, all my nightly activities, whether it be tutoring, counseling, Alpha, etc. will be done.   I literally see an open calendar with no events besides Sunday church and the occasional swing dancing.  What is even funnier is that my job is also ending...on June 18th.  I will have literally nothing to do.  No work, no activities, only endless amounts of time.  This will be interesting as ever, because since I have been back from Mercy Ministries, I have made it my point to jump into things and get involved, to keep busy and not be bored.  For my past, boredom and staying at home has only led to emotional eating and binges.  I'm curious to see how I will handle this involuntary time away from everything as the new person that I am.  I am no longer an emotional binge eater.  I'm not.  The devil himself knows it.  These past tribulations and trials that I have endured these past few months have only shown me that I have been freed.  I no longer need to be afraid of food.  It no longer has a hold of me by the power of Jesus Christ.  I've felt it too!

This past week, I decided to go to the grocery store to pick up some chips or something for the Life Group I was going to that night.  As I was walking down an isle filled with what used to be my sinful foods of choice, I suddenly started to get fearful. I was thinking, oh gosh, I don't know how I am going to handle this, Oh gosh.  I used to this, I used to that... And as I started to think of those thoughts of the past, I suddenly felt, "You no longer need to be afraid, you've been freed." The amazing peace and POWER that I felt was unspeakable.  I had this great smile on my face and was filled with shear jubilation as I walked down that isle, I felt completely comfortable and at peace walking through the sins of the past.  As I grabbed a bag of chips for the party, I walked out of that isle knowing, things will never be the same.  I looked back and even stuck out my tongue! Thankfully no one was behind me so that they didn't see this random girl stick out her tongue but you know :) haha!

Anyways, what will I do with all my time? I'm planning  to use this given time to just rest, be strengthened, and draw close to God.  I'm going to need it.  If through Jesus, I can overcome this period of rest and boredom, I just know that together we can overcome anything. 

P.S Prayers are always appreciated. :)

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Having Faith

Lately, it seems God has been really trying to have me just press into Him, let go, and give up control.  A great hint of this was at Swing Dancing the other night.  I was dancing with a guy where at the end of the dance I am supposed to fall into him and he holds me up.  It was WEIRD! but fun.  It was so hard for me to do because I basically had to have faith that this guy can hold me up.  I am just lying there on his side.  We tried that move like 3 or 4 times but I just couldn't seem to let go and relax.  I think it was just another sign for me.   Giving up control is no easy thing.  Heck, I've been practicing being in control for 22 years, it's not something I can just drop like a hat.  But thankfully God has been super patient with me and waiting as I inch closer and closer to that day when I realize, God is in CONTROL. 

Having faith seems to be a hard thing.  Having faith in trusting people around you, having faith that your dancing partner is not going to drop you, having faith that God is going to supply your every need, having faith that even when you let go, God won't.  So much things require faith.  Faith is believing in the unseen, unknown. 

Swing Dancing couldn't have come at a better time.  I have to follow where ever my partner brings me.  I have to learn if he's twisting me, twirling me, if I stand still, fall, slide, move the left or the right.  The woman's position in swing dancing is learning where her partner takes her and following his orders. With out giving up control to what moves you want to do, swing dancing doesn't work.